Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
