My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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