i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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