I queefed so loud it echoed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
