My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
