I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
