cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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