u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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