she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
where does the pee come out of this thing
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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