i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
