he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
