I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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