it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
