life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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