people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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