I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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