Got a toothbrush?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
