Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
