when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
