Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
