$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
