community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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