My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
