sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
