I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
