im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
