Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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