its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
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I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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