I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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