i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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