her vagina looked like bernie madoff
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
