Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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