4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
