I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
