She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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