he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
