Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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