All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
