Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What a dumb baby whore.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
