i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
