Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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