I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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