dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
please don't ironically join a cult
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