we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize