So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
