so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
