I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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