Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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