i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
