i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
