can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
