The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
