Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
