Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
